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ALIVE

by Winter Rowan

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1.
i'm tryna figure out the things i have that can still hold me together i'm getting used to falling down just like i've been doing forever and i'm crying, i'm laughing, i'm teaching myself how to fly and i'm lonely, i'm boring, i'm holding my head up high does it look as if i'm doing fine and i'm smiling like that angel on ur shoulder? if it looks as if i'm gonna cry i can tell you i feel like i'm getting older and i'm crying, i'm laughing, i'm teaching myself how to fly and i'm lonely, i'm boring, i'm holding my head up high and these threads don't think i'm alive i feel like i'm tearing apart these threads don't think i'm alive i'm holding my beating heart and i'm crying, i'm laughing, i'm teaching myself how to fly and i'm lonely, i'm boring, i'm holding my head up high and i'm smiling like that angel on ur shoulder
2.
a night light's on in the bathroom and i'm staring at the glow from under the door i've got your coat under my head and i think i see your shadow on the floor but it's too dark for that now it's too dark for that now my eyes are wide open but it's too dark for that now he's up in the night pacing and he thinks i'm dead asleep i'm counting the minutes down 'til he finally goes to sleep but it's too light for that now it's too light for that now my eyes are closed tightly but it's too light for that now in the car, i think i hear you talking in the backseat and i think 'i forgive you' as we drive off through another city but it's too late for that now it's too late for that now my eyes are stinging and it's too late for that now i've got a glimmer of hope that i thought had burnt out and a hand reaching out through all my shadows of doubt but i'm too scared for that now i'm too scared for that now my eyes are glazing over but i'm too scared for that now a night light's on... but i'm too old for that now
3.
on the radio 04:01
i've got a gun and i'm not afraid to use it i've got a gun to get to where the truth is i'm on the run and i'm never looking back going far, i've got my old chevy car, and enough cash and i'm hunting my demons, running from my ghosts i've locked up in box the people i miss the most all in the back of my mind, far from the light of day and on the radio they're saying "another man's fallen from grace" got a knife, i'll stick it where the sun don't shine i've got a knife to cut away all the bad times going far and i'm never looking back on the run, stock up on ammunition, put my foot to the gas and i'm hunting my demons, running from my ghosts i've locked up in a box the feelings i don't wanna show all in the back of my mind, far from my weary face and on the radio they're saying "another man's fallen from grace" picking angel feathers out of my hair they feel like ink or blood there's a stench clean in the air like ink or blood like ink or blood (etc...) and i'm hunting my demons, running from my ghosts i've locked up in a box all my worries and woes all in the back of my mind, far enough so i won't say that i'm the one who's fallen from grace that i'm the one who's fallen from grace (like ink or blood, like ink or blood...)
4.
alive 03:58
i can't figure it out, why am i afraid of myself? is it because of what i've got hidden up there on the shelf i think there's something inside of me and it's trying to get out a bloody potential gonna rise out of my mouth and i'm scared and i'm cold, but i'm alive i'm tired and i'm angry, but i'm alive there's a hissing behind my teeth as i undo your buttons need to touch the skin beneath, dive into your ocean i could drown in here, so happily you could hold me under i would let you push me down, i could finally surrender and i'm scared and i'm cold, but i'm alive i'm tired and i'm angry, but i'm alive i'm striving for freedom and i'm dying of boredom i'm kicking and screaming but alive i'm alive i never asked for anything if i did it's just for my secrets to stay that way between us, whispering i guess this is nothing i'm just a placeholder til you find someone better don't say you love me. it means nothing. go on and run away you could love me enough til you got scared pretend long enough that you cared well, i don't care Cos i'm alive i'm not stupid, i know i deserve it but there's still that part of me that feels betrayed the little part of me that thought you'd stay crying into a china cup, crying over bloody feathers all ripped up lying about my day, i'm doing fine lying and laughing and losing time is this what it means to be alive? i survived, i don't know why but i... i'm alive
5.
charcoal 04:10
i need to stand still, i need my hands still i need my thoughts silent i need my mind quiet, i need to find some stillness but i don't think i deserve it though... my hands are black with charcoal my soul is cracked down the middle my dreams aren't dreams, their nightmares and lies about things i could've done better i wish i'd done better i need to stop running i need to give myself a warning don't go before you lose i think too much and i need too much i try too much but not hard enough take me out before i do it myself chorus but what could i have done turned my heart ice cold all over again just to feel it splinter and break and then know my greatest sin was love let me wash my hands of this love chorus what more could i have done but maybe there's a place for me in the sun
6.
the barn 03:42
a waxing gibbous moon on a pink horizon the wheel turning soon as the night comes grey little wings, little bird, little lovely gold yellow strings pull down the sun and i will not be weak anymore i will learn to be brave i will no longer fight your war and i will no longer behave for you the way you think i ought to be the way the world tells me left in lethargy in this dusty old barn wings in synergy lifting me with the turn am i dreaming when i rise, the heat gets thicker but i've felt fire and ice and they both burn they both burn i will not say yes anymore i will learn to stand my ground i will always know the score i will not let you push me down into nothing but who i ought to be something the world tells me i will fly i will take what's mine i won't be who you think i ought to be i will only ever be me

about

old songs i still like.

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released November 18, 2020

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Winter Rowan Toronto, Ontario

winter rowan just wants to write goth songs on the ukulele.

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